It has been an incredibly loooong couple of weeks. I’ve been sick (which rarely happens!) and dealing with a hideous stye on my eye. Haven’t felt like running. Things are crazy with kids and homeschooling and holidays… and I’ve missed Benj-ing with my dear friend, Jen, whose wonderful heart and hilarious ways always help me cope with life. So on this day I just needed a flat out, no-holds-barred, uninterrupted drool fest over the man of my dreams.
Except when I sat down at the computer to do it, it was gone. My ‘gush’ — my super power! my outlet! my joy! — was gone. And I was so devastated by the absence of it that I wanted to cry. Or get drunk. Or both. So I did what every good modern-day, red-blooded woman does: I posted about it on Facebook.
And then I closed my laptop and went away feeling blue. That night I tossed and turned, trying to figure out what went wrong; where was my passion for my blog? It wasn’t long before I pinpointed the problem in my heart: it was my spine.
I’m going to assume you’ve read at least some of my blog. You know that sometimes I can’t contain my feelings for and my reactions to Benjamin’s beauty and talent, and many (so many!) times I have not held back in writing out my thoughts about it. Well, I have received some… criticism, for lack of a better word, from different quarters. Some I don’t care about but some I do — a few have been particularly painful, depending on my level of respect for the giver of the negative feedback. And even though I have received a lot of positive responses, somehow it has been difficult for me to get over the bad stuff.
Now I’m not talking about a situation where someone might come to me and say that what I’m writing is hurtful to them personally, or that I am misrepresenting facts — that kind of feedback I welcome and am happy to respond to, because I always desire to 1. keep the peace where I can, and 2. to be accurate. Instead, it is when one gives his or her personal opinion of my writing style, or of my expression of my feelings for Benjamin.
I know that I shouldn’t worry about pleasing everyone, and I just need to write for my own pleasure (that’s why I started this blog in the first place!) but I have found that I DO care about others’ opinions (more than I thought I would), and now I feel like I have those couple of stink eyes looking at me all the time and it is making it difficult for me to cut loose with my thoughts and feelings. I’m battling with letting those few critical words take the joy out of it for me.
My recent blog article about the song Night Spots was tough to write because I so wanted to gush about what Benji’s bass does to my insides, but I felt like I ‘had’ to keep it on track. I read it now and it just leaves such a bitter taste in my mouth because I didn’t mention his name once. Not ONCE. Can you believe it??? Makes me want to cry. And it’s my OWN fault, being so influenced by a couple of people who have a different opinion about how to honor Benjamin. And that personal weakness makes me crazy, and I’m irritated with myself for not having more of a spine when I wrote it.
So later, when I checked back in on Facebook I wanted to cry again (am I usually this emotional??? I don’t know!) but this time it was because of the loving, funny, and steadfast support of some of the sweetest friends I have met in the Benj world. They posted photos and assurances and hilarious comments that not only made me swoon (!), but reminded me of why I jumped into this crazy thing in the first place: because I adore Benjamin, and I want to share that with other like-minded people and be able to obsess *together*.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve decided that I don’t care about what other people think. I do. I just need to be true to myself — and get a stronger backbone. Writing about Benjamin brings me so much happiness! Yes, I do get silly, but I also write some serious pieces, and I hope that all Cars fans will find something they enjoy here. But if you’ve read my blog and you don’t like it then I thank you for giving it a try and I wish you well, but please don’t feel compelled to read further.
Now that all of that is off my chest I think I can move forward with a good old-fashioned gush session… Stay tuned!